"Night-Turnal" Beasts--Things Bumping in the Dark.

"Tuppence, I know we're all kind of down in the dumps about Social Distancing, but could you just wake up and check that no one is approaching the front door?"

Glancing up from her nap, Tuppence, she of Beagle Posse membership along with Tommy, said, "I'd know," and closed her eyes.

"Tuppence, it's the middle of the day, the time of UPS drivers, Amazon deliveries, and neighbor dog walking. Plus, the back yard is full of squirrels."

Tommy walked in yawning, thus completing the quorum of the Beagle Posse.  "Those are Day-Turnal beasts, right now we're resting up to save you from the Night-Turnal beasts."

"Tommy, your dewlaps are flapping, but you aren't making sense."

"It's natural science, one of those 'ologies'," said Tuppence.  "There are two kinds of stuff in the world, stuff out in daytime, and stuff out at night.  So, Day-Turnal and Night-Turnal."

"Oh," I said, "You mean Diurnal and Nocturnal creatures."

"Well," said Tommy, "I guess if you want to pronounce it with a human accent."

"I thought we were talking human talk, Tommy."

Tuppence said, "It depends on which side of the conversation you hear."

"That," I said, "is always true."

"See," Tommy said, "We'll warn you about the Day-Turnal stuff, but you can see them.  You need more help with the Night stuff.  We can hear it, smell it, and see it better.  And, its more 'fernal."

"'Fernal?  I thought we were talking about 'turnal."

"Try to keep up," said Tuppence.

From Tommy, "'Turnal is about day and night.  'Fernal is about bad. There's two kinds of bad stuff in the world.  There's the INFERNAL things, and the OUTFERNAL things."

"Outfernal?

"Bad stuff in the yard, you know OUT the dog door."

"And the INfernal is......"

"IN the dog door," said Tuppence. To Tommy she said, "He's losing the thread."

"OK," I said, "so infernal would be like that chipmunk you chased into the house in Indianapolis."

"Sort of," said Tupp.  "But chipmunks are small squirrels, so they're sort of mini-fernal."

"And when we catch any 'fernal," said Tommy, "we turn it into ex-fernal."

"I see," I said. "It's all about prefixes."

"NO!" said Tommy. "It's all about BEAGLE fixes--keeping you safe.  Sheesh, I don't know what would happen to you if we weren't here."

"Yeah," I said, "or if you napped through it."

"You just don't get the necessity of naps, do you?"

Tuppy turned round three times and snuggled down.  Tommy left the room as he came in, yawning. As he headed for his nap place he muttered, "I hope you learned something today."

Dogmatic Dogs, and Dogeared Dogma.

This being an exploration of the religion of beagles; incomplete though it may be, due to much of the theology not being stated in Human Speak, or even conceivable to the human mind. This treatise is presented after years of close association and conversations with The Beagle Posse, Tommy and Tuppence, and, of course with the aid of inexpensive wine in quantity.

As an overview, Beagletism seems to be a mashup of a Druidic/Masonic/Zen/Nordic/-
Zoroastrianism/Astrology nature. In other words, it makes no coherent sense whatsoever. Much like beagles in general.  It carries a fairly broad pantheon of gods and demi-gods, mixed up with tree worship, secrecy, and sky gazing.

The chief God, the Great Aroooo, lives somewhere behind the star humans call Sirius, the Dog Star.  (Human science aside:  Sirius, also known as Canis Major, is the brightest star in the night sky. It is the anchor star of the constellation, Canis Major, or "Large Dog."  Check any online sky map as to how to find it.)

Other Gods include:

Twitch--the god of naps.
Ooopsplop--the god of dropped food morsels.
Bigelow--the god of butt scooting.
Khaki--the god of laps.
Ersatz--the god of itchy polyester dog beds.
Uuumyas--The god of tummy rubs.

There appear to be several more, but they are spoken in codes not understood by any human mind.

Over all, the beagle religion is a happy, wagging religion.  It does not posit any real evil in the universe.  However, the opposite of The Great Aroooo is what is seen as the Troublesome side of existence.  This Troublesome is represented by squirrels, cats, raccoons, possums, rabbits, other such creatures and late meals.  And, Troublesome ,to the true-believer beagle, must be always chased away when appearing.

Just beneath the pantheon appears to be a level of creatures known as "Usefuls."  These include, "The Food Guy," "Door Opener," "Treat Dropper," and "Walk Taker."

Holy Sacraments include Napping, Supper, Ear Scratches, and "Troublesome" Chasing.  There is no equivalent to baptism in Beagletism, as such an encounter with water could look like a dog was willingly taking a bath.

The "consummation devoutly to be wished" of Beagletism is the achievement of the state known as Guhdog.  And the key koan is contemplation of the mystery, "Who's a Guhdog?"

There are, of course, no written scriptures.  Beagletism is passed one dog to another by way of late night Aroooos, and pee mail messages left on curbs, trees, mailboxes, fire hydrants, and other available surfaces.  The faith, therefore, can be said to have both an oral and a urinal tradition.

There do appear to be differences in belief and practice depending on whether a dog belongs to the Northern Beagltist Convention, or the Southern Beagltist Convention.  Of note is that the Southern Beagltists do not allow female dogs (avoiding the obvious word) to preach, lead Aroos, or lead packs.

Beagles do not hold with the "Rainbow Bridge" view of the hereafter.  Having instead a belief that they will transition to a "Great Kitchen Cathedral," where they will wait on the Holy Linoleum as a constant shower of steak and shrimp morsels will rain on them from the Counter Altar. This is where they will await the arrival of either The Food Guy, or The Door Opener, or both, and will then all take the Greatest Walk into Paradise.

This is all true, as closely as I can understand it.  If you doubt, or find it questionable, you are more than welcome to join a theological discussion with Tommy and Tuppence, The Beagle Posse. I'll warn you though, Tommy can be snappy, and Tuppence is a bitch.