Darwin Stands Guard Duty

Reader's note: For background information and a description of the Double-Quad Deuce, and their perimeter bunker at Long Binh, Vietnam, scroll back and read the entry “I Hope They Don't Have Grenades” from September 4^th.

At nearly every cross roads in Vietnam, a small market area appeared. Vendors sold vegetables, live chickens, gee gaws, stolen black market items and such. At almost every one of these there'd be a kid selling a monkey or two. Little brown simians about 10 to 12 inches tall, which the boys SWORE would make the perfect pet for an American GI.

Of course it was against a stack of regulations to buy one of these. Not only was a soldier not supposed to have pets (communal platoon dogs notwithstanding), but these little buggers carried all kinds of diseases, and they were vicious biters.

So, of course, GIs bought monkeys.

One of the troopers on guard duty for the Deuce on the night in question had a monkey. Who knows if he'd bought it. They were such a filthy pain in the ass that they tended to pass from hand to hand. Given this monkey's name, I doubt he was first bought by one of the mechanics and drivers in the Car Company. The monkey's name was Darwin.

Evidently no one back at the Hooch would take care of Darwin. He got brought along on guard duty.

As the sun went down, from the neighboring bunker, 50 meters away, we could hear Darwin chattering, and the four soldiers in the bunker laughing and hooting at his antics.

What follows is a combination of what witnesses in other bunkers saw and heard, and a reconstruction of events after the fact.

It would seem the M-16 of one of the Deuce troopers had placed itself in a very dangerous configuration—certainly no soldier ever later admitted that he had left the rifle like it was, so it must have loaded a round into its own chamber, placed its own selector switch on Full Auto, clicked its safety off, and leaned itself into a corner to rest. Because for a soldier to have done any one of those things with the rifle in a bunker not under attack would have been a serious violation.

About two hours after dark, in Darwin's guard rounds about the bunker, he must have felt the need to climb up and look out a firing port. The best way to do that was to climb up that rifle leaning in the corner. And, as he climbed, the trigger formed a perfect step for one of his hind feet.

The 16 immediately began to empty it's 20 round clip. The recoil, and the actions of the frightened monkey still clinging to the rifle caused it to fall in a perfect Euclidean arc, distributing high-velocity full metal jacket rounds throughout the bunker.

The muzzle flashes lit up the inside of the bunker as the four soldiers inside began to prove that a full-grown man in helmet and flak jacket could dive through a firing port which had only a 12 inch high opening. Unfortunately for at least one of them, he chose the port directly to the front, which meant he jumped right onto the stack of rusted concertina barb wire.

Tom Soar, in our bunker, said that the shouting was loud enough to be heard over the sound of the ripping rounds. He observed it sounded like a thousand Alabama auctioneers trying to sell an Ohshitsonofabitch. Other witnesses also said that it seemed like the firing went on for so long, it is possible the monkey grabbed a magazine and reloaded.

By the time everything settled down, Darwin was gone, apparently  defecting to the Viet Cong. Some thought he may have been VC all along.

Others maintained that he had high-tailed it back to the Officer's Club, claiming that from some angles he looked exactly like an ROTC Lieutenant.