Hillbilly Rules of Thumb

(Opening note:  I grew up in Hillbilly land.  These are friendly memories.  Special thanks to Terry, Silkey, Jake, and Bud for editorial assistance.)

Fishing:

Buy one six pack of beer for each dozen worms bought at the bait shop.

Your cousin will drink twice as much beer when you are buying than when he is buying.

Each tourist in the boat will cut the number of fish caught by half.  If you are with more than two tourists, it’s not worth fishing.

A tourist will catch a hook in someone’s ear.  It won’t be his.

They were biting yesterday.

If you have to work tomorrow, they’ll be biting tomorrow.

A hillbilly is half the fisherman he says he is, and one third the hunter he claims.  Unless he just keeps his mouth shut about hunting and fishing.  Then he’s great at both.

On a first date, always bait your date's hook first.  Then pop her a beer.

Bringing Wine Coolers on a fishing trip does not make you sophisticated.  But it may get you drowned.

Auto Repair:

One hillbilly will spend the day drinking beer and planning on fixing the car.  Two hillbillies can get any car running.  Three hillbillies will never get the car running.  Four or more hillbillies will require first aid and/or a 911 call.

If you have a car in the yard up on blocks for parts, the part you need will be the one part already taken off of it.

The two most important items in the hillbilly tool box are WD-40 and Duct tape.  Your brother in law will be incapable of using either one.

If you are trading beer for work, keep the beer hidden until the work is done.

After all the beers are gone is not the time for a test drive.

If you need to taky your car to a mechanic, pay close attention to the second man who tells you that mechanic is dishonest.

Using your truck key to clean your ears in public is acceptable.  But probably not in church.

The longer you own something, the older it gets.

Wedded Bliss:

Never marry a girl whose brothers are meaner than you are.

If an “old friend” of your wife’s drops buy, and the dogs don’t bark at him, call a lawyer.

If you are a woman’s second husband, and she is a widow, you will never live up to the magnificence of her first husband.  If she is divorced, she will eventually see all of the faults in you she saw in her first husband.

If you are walking into a roadhouse beer joint with a date, and she says, “They have a great pool table here,” you are probably in for a bar fight.

No, there is no “other way” to get pregnant.

When getting married, it is acceptable to wear a leisure suit with a bowling shirt.--Shoes are optional.

Community Action:

The meanest, dumbest, laziest bully in your high school class will become the preacher at a non-denominational church at the edge of town.

In matters of science, you really should listen to the High School science teacher instead of the Baptist preacher.

In a hillbilly town, the Police only have two jobs.  One is keeping the usual drunks off the street, the other is covering up for the “upper crust.”

To the Town Council, it is not a Speed Trap.  It is an Enhanced Revenue Stream.

Just because an Opinion is a Second Opinion doesn’t mean it is a Right Opinion.

A politician who doesn’t know what he’s talking about today is not likely to know any more tomorrow.

In Theory, Practice and Theory are the same thing.  In Practice, they are not.

The bigger a city a lawyer comes from, the more dishonest he is.  Corollary:  This does not mean that a small town lawyer is honest.