Hillbilly Rules of Thumb

(Opening note:  I grew up in Hillbilly land.  These are friendly memories.  Special thanks to Terry, Silkey, Jake, and Bud for editorial assistance.)

Fishing:

Buy one six pack of beer for each dozen worms bought at the bait shop.

Your cousin will drink twice as much beer when you are buying than when he is buying.

Each tourist in the boat will cut the number of fish caught by half.  If you are with more than two tourists, it’s not worth fishing.

A tourist will catch a hook in someone’s ear.  It won’t be his.

They were biting yesterday.

If you have to work tomorrow, they’ll be biting tomorrow.

A hillbilly is half the fisherman he says he is, and one third the hunter he claims.  Unless he just keeps his mouth shut about hunting and fishing.  Then he’s great at both.

On a first date, always bait your date's hook first.  Then pop her a beer.

Bringing Wine Coolers on a fishing trip does not make you sophisticated.  But it may get you drowned.

Auto Repair:

One hillbilly will spend the day drinking beer and planning on fixing the car.  Two hillbillies can get any car running.  Three hillbillies will never get the car running.  Four or more hillbillies will require first aid and/or a 911 call.

If you have a car in the yard up on blocks for parts, the part you need will be the one part already taken off of it.

The two most important items in the hillbilly tool box are WD-40 and Duct tape.  Your brother in law will be incapable of using either one.

If you are trading beer for work, keep the beer hidden until the work is done.

After all the beers are gone is not the time for a test drive.

If you need to taky your car to a mechanic, pay close attention to the second man who tells you that mechanic is dishonest.

Using your truck key to clean your ears in public is acceptable.  But probably not in church.

The longer you own something, the older it gets.

Wedded Bliss:

Never marry a girl whose brothers are meaner than you are.

If an “old friend” of your wife’s drops buy, and the dogs don’t bark at him, call a lawyer.

If you are a woman’s second husband, and she is a widow, you will never live up to the magnificence of her first husband.  If she is divorced, she will eventually see all of the faults in you she saw in her first husband.

If you are walking into a roadhouse beer joint with a date, and she says, “They have a great pool table here,” you are probably in for a bar fight.

No, there is no “other way” to get pregnant.

When getting married, it is acceptable to wear a leisure suit with a bowling shirt.--Shoes are optional.

Community Action:

The meanest, dumbest, laziest bully in your high school class will become the preacher at a non-denominational church at the edge of town.

In matters of science, you really should listen to the High School science teacher instead of the Baptist preacher.

In a hillbilly town, the Police only have two jobs.  One is keeping the usual drunks off the street, the other is covering up for the “upper crust.”

To the Town Council, it is not a Speed Trap.  It is an Enhanced Revenue Stream.

Just because an Opinion is a Second Opinion doesn’t mean it is a Right Opinion.

A politician who doesn’t know what he’s talking about today is not likely to know any more tomorrow.

In Theory, Practice and Theory are the same thing.  In Practice, they are not.

The bigger a city a lawyer comes from, the more dishonest he is.  Corollary:  This does not mean that a small town lawyer is honest.

From Miteuhbin to Couldahappun

It was a really tired, surly, grumpy morning.  A three coffee dawn to say the least.  And I knew why.  The why possessed a total of eight legs and two tails, and was immensely satisfied with itself.

I needed to get the Beagle Posse together to discuss my displeasure, but they were unwilling to schedule a meeting until I had retrieved some cheese from the fridge for treats.  Finally I could get their attention, at least until the Cheddar ran out.

“Posse, you kept us up most of the night. “ I counted” at least three lengthy trips to the back for bumping, scratching, yipping, and digging among the garden tool bins.  Right under our windows.  You better explain.”

“Oh,” said Tuppence, “It turned out there was nothing there.  You didn’t have to wake up.  We took care of it.”

Through gritted teeth.  “That’s the POINT. We didn’t have to wake up.  But your noises did the job, didn’t they?”

Tommy spoke.  “Well, if you worry in the night, and sleep so lightly, you’re lucky to have us to make sure no monsters or rodents disturb you.”

I asked, “What did you think was there last night?”

Tuppy condescended to explain.  “It was a mean old Miteuhbin.”

“And what’s that?”

“A Miteuhbin will scare you worse than anything,” said Tommy.  “You go to all the trouble of chasing it, barking at it, snarling and growling, and you find out that it wasn’t there.  But it Miteuhbin.  You can never be too careful about a Miteuhbin.”

“So,” I say, “It turns out there was nothing there, and all of the noise was for nothing.  You kept us up for nothing.  Just what form of monster in the garden were you so worried about?  You know how Deborah hates it when you dig in the garden.”

“We saved you,” said Tuppence with a smug flip of the tail.  “For all you know, there could have been an Ogre in the Oleanders.”

“Yes,” joined Tommy. “Or a Prowling Panther in the Petunias.”

“Posse, don’t you dare start…”  Too late, they were rolling.

“A Creeping Criminal in the Crocus.”

They were giggling now.  Nothing is more unnerving than beagles giggling as a human squirms and stews.

“A Reprobate in the Roses.”

“A Deadly Danger in the Daisies.”

“A Crook in the Chrysanthemums.”

I was beginning to groan in pain.

Tuppence stood thinking.  Then, “A Nattering No Good, Nasty, Ner’do well in the Nasturtiums.”

“Oh, THAT was a good one,” snapped Tommy.  And they turned to High Paw each other, and do something like a beagle end zone dance.

I finally broke.   “Hey!  There were none of those.”

“Nope,” said Tommy “But, there was the Miteuhbin.  Not to mention the danger of a Couldahappun.”

Leaving me moaning on the couch, the Posse walked away.  Triumphant again.  “I heard Tuppy tell Tommy, “And that’s how you shut him up.”