Spending even a year or so in an army
will grant you an advanced degree in finagling. With the right
attitude, and the right props, there is almost nothing you can't get
around, avoid, or “midnight requisition.”
Now, there are real pros, guys who make it into an art form, and most of us could never hope to achieve their glory. For instance, Mike Pitculuk. Among his feats was somehow acquiring a 24 lb. case of frozen lobster tails intended for the generals' mess. Cutting a company cook in on the spoils yielded a giant pot, a burner, and a big can of butter.
Now, there are real pros, guys who make it into an art form, and most of us could never hope to achieve their glory. For instance, Mike Pitculuk. Among his feats was somehow acquiring a 24 lb. case of frozen lobster tails intended for the generals' mess. Cutting a company cook in on the spoils yielded a giant pot, a burner, and a big can of butter.
On the day he caught the Freedom Bird
home, Mike's last act as a soldier was to have a Huey fly in to the
front of our platoon hooch, carrying a sling load with an entire
pallet, 4'x4'x4', of cases of Budweiser. The pilot set the load down,
unhooked the cargo straps and flew off. On the top of the pallet was
a note: “From Mike.” Now THAT was a pro.
Most of us made do with minor scams. We soon learned that if something hadn't moved, it was just because we hadn't found the right prop or lubricant.
Most of us made do with minor scams. We soon learned that if something hadn't moved, it was just because we hadn't found the right prop or lubricant.
In order to go places unmolested, and
to get in and out of almost anywhere, restricted area or not, the
best prop was a clip board and pencil. If you saw an officer
approaching, you simply held up the board, pointed to it with the
pencil, and sadly shook your head. You were obviously on a mission. A
vital mission. Getting past any gate keeper was a matter of looking
closely at their name tag, muttering “uh, huh,” and writing or
making a big check mark. Having ones name taken down strikes fear in
any soldier.
In most cases, “lubricant” meant some liquid containing alcohol, preferably in a ratio expressed as Proof.
A year before this tale, I'd been in Basic at Ft. Leonard Wood, MO. That summer, they tested the Swine Flu vaccine on we, the Olive Drab guinea pigs. That shot gave me a higher fever, and made me sicker, than ever before in my 19 years of life. So, when the orders went up on the company bulletin board at Long Binh saying that all personnel would report to the dispensary on or before a certain date “for the purpose of receiving an annual flu inoculation,” I began to plan.
A few days into the time window, I went by the PX and bought a fifth of Johnny Walker Red. Then, about midnight, when I knew only one medic would be on duty, I went to the dispensary. As the sleepy Spec. 4 medic approached the counter, I put the bottle on it and said, “Doc, (all medics were called “doc.”) I think I was in a couple of days ago and got my flu shot, but they forgot to write it down.”
He asked for my ID, and sweeping the bottle from the counter, turned and walked back to the file room. Coming back with my medical records, he flipped to my yellow shot card, pulled out his pen, made a note and said, “Yep, they forgot to write it down. Got it.” And returned my file to the shelves.
The right lubricant.
In most cases, “lubricant” meant some liquid containing alcohol, preferably in a ratio expressed as Proof.
A year before this tale, I'd been in Basic at Ft. Leonard Wood, MO. That summer, they tested the Swine Flu vaccine on we, the Olive Drab guinea pigs. That shot gave me a higher fever, and made me sicker, than ever before in my 19 years of life. So, when the orders went up on the company bulletin board at Long Binh saying that all personnel would report to the dispensary on or before a certain date “for the purpose of receiving an annual flu inoculation,” I began to plan.
A few days into the time window, I went by the PX and bought a fifth of Johnny Walker Red. Then, about midnight, when I knew only one medic would be on duty, I went to the dispensary. As the sleepy Spec. 4 medic approached the counter, I put the bottle on it and said, “Doc, (all medics were called “doc.”) I think I was in a couple of days ago and got my flu shot, but they forgot to write it down.”
He asked for my ID, and sweeping the bottle from the counter, turned and walked back to the file room. Coming back with my medical records, he flipped to my yellow shot card, pulled out his pen, made a note and said, “Yep, they forgot to write it down. Got it.” And returned my file to the shelves.
The right lubricant.
Brilliant! ~Linda Daily
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