The Posse Storms the Diet Industry.

The Posse made clear that it was displeased to have been left home during our Thanksgiving trip.

Tommy said, “Thanks, A LOT.” But I didn't hear any thanks in the phase. It sounded a lot like when you say “Thank you” to the cop as he walks away after giving you a ticket. As Mark Twain said, “He's got the lyrics, but he sure ain't got the music.”

I explained, we visited a ranch with 14 horses, 3 Great Danes, a Weimaraner, a Black Lab, a Pug, and an albino, blind and deaf Guinea Pig. We were afraid the Guinea Pig would hurt the Posse. PLUS, there were no beagle-proof fences between there and Wyoming. The last part the Posse saw no problem with. But we could just see ourselves chasing scent hounds on a trek across the freezing, wind-swept Nebraska prairie. And it was not a delightful vision. At least not from the human side.

Tuppence said that they had not wasted their time, even if we had wasted ours. They had come up with a great way to increase the family finances. Tommy said, “We'll be poopin' Filet Mignon, and you'll be fartin' through silk. There's so much money in this plan a drunk Kardashian couldn't spend it in a weekend in Monaco.”

“Okay, I'll bite. What's the plan?”

“We've invented a diet. Well, actually, a diet book you need to write, but it's packed with big bucks.”

“You dogs have invented a diet?”

“Yeah, have you SEEN the stupid stuff fat folks will fall for? All you have to do is claim they will lose weight without any work, and they'll start throwing money at you. Grapefruit diets, Cider Vinegar diets, Steak diets, Mediterranean diets. Artichoke and Honey diets, Raw diets, even Mold and Algae diets. The fools will buy into anything if you just put an anorexic starlet, or has-been actress with an eating disorder, in the commercials and on the book cover. Oh, yeah, and used the words, 'proven', and 'THEY don't want you to know'. You don't have to PROVIDE your proof, and you don't have to say who THEY are, or why they don't want you to know. Every Honey Boo Boo viewer knows all about who THEY are.”

“OK,” I asked, you are saying your diet is based on the gullibility of the American public?”

“Exactly.”

“And how does your diet work?”

“It doesn't have to work. It just has to sell. All diets are like that.”

“Hmmm. Well, how do you SAY it works.”

“We don't say how. We just say, 'Watch pounds melt like magic.”

Still suspicious, I asked, “Won't that be a lie.”

“Nope.” said Tommy. “Melted pounds aren't gone pounds.”

I said, “Let's go back a bit. What are you going to call this diet?”
Tuppence smiled like a banker at a foreclosure. “The Gullibility Diet.”

“Huh?”

“We're perfectly honest. The whole diet is based on the buyer's gullibility. We tell them, 'You just have to believe us.”

“And they'll lose weight?”

“Probably not. The point is, they THINK they'll lose weight. Right up 'til the next fad comes along.”

“And you'll call it, 'The Gullibility Diet'? Won't the title be a give away?”

Tommy smirked at me. “Hey, these are the people who think Reality TV is reality. They watch 'Duck Dynasty' and 'Honey Boo Boo.' They believe in 6,000 year old Dinosaurs and don't believe in Global Climate Change. These chubbies actually think that if they give billionaires enough money, the rich bastards will give some back to them. Besides, we will give them one true piece of dieting advice. That's more than most diet books do.”

“One truth. And what would that be?”

Tuppence piped up. They obviously had thought this through while we were gone. And I thought all they'd done was chew up paper and track in mud. “It's this,” she said, “You can eat anything. You just can't eat everything.”

I started to object, but realized, that actually made sense. Beagles making more sense than all the human Diet Gurus? Really? Well, even that isn't a stretch if you think about diet gurus.

“Won't the title, 'Gullibility Diet' be a red flag?”

“Nah,” said Tupp. “Five syllables in gullibility. They won't even sound it out. They'll just see 'Diet' and plop down the MasterCards.”

“But,” I said, “eventually even some dumb people do catch on. Won't they be mad and come after us?”

“There's the beauty,” said Tommy. “That's when we'll sell them the second book, for twice the price.”

“Second book?”

“Yeah,” grinned Tuppence. “ The title is-- 'Sucker no more. Buy This Book to Cure Gullibility.' -- It'll be a self help masterpiece. They get the lesson the minute they pay for it. No reading required.”