Ninjas in the ICU

You know, if you just have the right attitude, you can be in ICU at a VA hospital, and still have fun.

There I was, (as every good war story begins) lying in the ICU, recovering from (surprise) life-saving abdominal surgery. (Aside: I have nothing but praise for the care I have received from the VA through the years. If you want to bash the VA, please leave me out.)

Now, this isn't really one of my Vietnam stories, after all, we're talking 45 years later, but VN was why I'm at the VA, and Agent Orange is thought to be at least partly responsible for my problems. Enough serious stuff, on with the tale.

There I was in an ICU room. It was three AM, and the nurse had just been in for Vitals Check, and IV bag changes. As she started to leave, she reached to pull the curtain around the bed closed. I asked her not to, and explained that I felt better if I could see what the noises in the hall meant, and it gave me something to do to watch the comings and goings--I was easily entertained at the time, there was a self-administered morphine pump involved.

“Besides,” I said, putting tongue firmly in cheek—I thought—I need to be able to see the Ninjas when they try to sneak down the hall.”

It was like the flash of the Enterprise leaping into Warp Speed. Suddenly my bed was surrounded by a half dozen nurses, and burly orderlies.

“Mr. Carrithers,” demanded a nurse built like Joe Torre, “Can you tell us what year this is?”

“Uh, 2009.”

“And do you know where you are?”

“In the VA hospital, I think.”

“And can you tell me who the president of the United States is?”

“Obama.” I began to understand. “Hey, really, I was joking.”

“When did the Ninjas first try to get you?”

“Look, it was a joke, really!”

“Have you ever been involuntarily committed to a hospital.”

“NO!! Hey, hey, joke, please, joke.”

Finally, with an orderly sort of holding me down, the biggest, meanest nurse who ever wore an Army Nursing Corps uniform said VERY sternly, “Mr. Carrithers, please be careful. You're at the VA. We get the men who DO see the Ninjas.”

That was my last ICU joke. That one nurse gave me a nasty look every time she passed, and the orderly who looked like he was still living in 1969 gave me a thumbs up every time he went by.