You're Neglecting Your Naps

Tuppence came sidling in. Tommy was peering out from the corner of the hallway. I could tell from the Beagle Posse postures that they were about to essay another of their Human Improvement projects.

Tuppence said, “Close the computer and take a minute.”

“What's up, Posse,” I asked. “Do you want more treats?”

“Of course,” said Tuppy, “but this is about your bad habits.”

“My bad habits?”

“Yes,” she said, “You've been neglecting your naps.”

“First, I'm not sure what you mean. Second, why did Tommy send you to talk to me about this?”

Tommy spoke from the verge of the hall. “She's the Kind and Intuitive one.”

Tuppence startled back at my laugh. “Right. She's the kind one who bit Deborah's finger, and who intuitively puddled by the front door.”

Tuppence sort of snarled. “I thought the finger was the chicken bone I had stolen. You don't expect me to be kind to dead fowl, do you? And, if you're going to go on and on about that puddle, it was the visit from YOUR friend Holly that got me so excited. Don't go blaming me for your mistakes.

“This intervention is about you, and your problems.”

“I'm still confused. What problems?”

Tommy finally stormed in the room. “You just don't listen, do you? We told you, you're neglecting your naps, ignoring your snoozles, refusing your R & R.”

Tuppy snarled at him to calm him down. “We have noticed, every time we wake up from a nap, you are either moving around the house, or cooking, or working on the computer. Simple math--time motion studies-- says that we should wake up to find you napping if you were doing enough.”

“Hmmmm,” I took a pause. “I think its a bit off base to try to apply 'time motion' to napping. But I still don't get your point. All you've shown me here is that you are pretty constantly napping, and then waking up to find me not napping.”

“Precisely!” yipped Tuppence. “Beagles are some of the best nappers in the world. We don't expect you to be as good at it as we are, but you could at least put in the effort to snooze more.”

“....the effort to snooze more,” I mused.

Tuppence began to pace and preach. “Naps are one of the four essential legs on the couch of life. There's eating, there's napping, there's barking intruders away, and there's peeing when you need to. You must have all four to have a successfully rounded life.

“The well-considered nap allows you to build the power for the bursts of energy needed to do any of the other three.”

“Like,” I said, “leaping off the couch in a barking, howling frenzy when the UPS man starts up the walk.”

“That,” spoke Tommy, “is a Brown-Shirted demon we have never allowed to invade the house. You're welcome.”

Tuppence continued her sermon, “There are only four times when it is essential for you to be awake, all else is simply a willful refusal on your part to attend to your napping.”

“Four?” I asked.

“6 AM, 11 AM, 5 PM, 9 PM.”

I may not be a beagle or a math whiz, but I solved the pattern. “OK, Breakfast, Elevenses Snack, Supper, and Bedtime Treats. Is that it?”

“Yes, any other moving about is a waste of slumber by you.”

“Look, I'm perfectly happy with my sleep patterns.”

“Well,” yawned Tommy as they both circled three times in place and curled up on the couch, “If you don't want to change, we can't help you change.”